Those squeaky-voiced, anthropomorphic chipmunks are the latest in a long line of childhood favorites to be taken to town, back in the alley, and butchered by Hollywood. When Alvin and the Chipmunks isn't lazy and cynical, it's depressing, but the movie is always soul-numbing. Devoid of wit and charm, the movie settles for obvious jokes and an even more obvious storyline. This is allegedly a kids' movie, because it has CG critters singing songs and teaches about the importance of family.

I'm not of the mind to think that a movie that has—and I quote the movie here—"creepy, unnatural, and somewhat evil" CG characters singing at a perverted pitch learning about the pitfalls of the music industry is necessarily one kids are going to thrilled to experience. That's why I don't make movies, let alone market them, though; I am, apparently, just not that savvy. Still, it's here in its hypocritical, "the music industry is evil; long live the music industry" form, and my eyes are still aching from rolling so much while watching it.

Those wide-eyed chipmunks are in the forest harmonizing a cappella to that Daniel Powter song "Bad Day" (a title appropriate for watching this) while packing away nuts for the winter. Their evergreen tree is cut down and trucked to a record company office in Los Angeles for holiday decoration. Meanwhile, Dave Seville (Jason Lee) is running late for a meeting at the same record company. He happens to run into his ex-girlfriend Claire (Cameron Richardson), who promptly fills us in on what we need to know about Dave: He's always late and a commitment-phobe. Thanks, Claire; see you later on for the lame rekindling-the-relationship scenes.

Anyway, Dave meets with his old college buddy Ian (David Cross, who, I learned during a screening full of kids, makes children cry), who runs the record company, and plays him a depressing song (a parody of that Death Cab for Cutie song "I Will Follow You into the Dark," which might provide the single chuckle in this debacle). Ian tells Dave he'll never get anyone to sing his songs, but, of course, the chipmunks follow Dave home. He writes songs that no one will sing; they sing songs for room and board. It's a perfect match.

The chipmunks, by the way, are Alvin (voice of Justin Long), "the awesome one," Simon (voice of Matthew Gray Gubler), "the smart one," and Theodore (voice of Jesse McCartney). We're supposed to fill in "the fat one" after Theodore is introduced, because that's how it is. The chipmunks have lived in the woods their entire lives, but they speak English. That, I'll buy. They also have a vast knowledge of things like popular culture and music, cheese balls, and credit ratings. That, I might buy in a different movie, but this one grates too quickly.